Chapter One
My name is Wiley Pfannenschmidt, however, everyone calls me Pfannenschmidt. My name badge that I was required to wear when I was employed and still wear for some reason has only has my last name, which again is Pfannenschmidt and it was the longest name tag in the women’s fashion footwear department
Anyway, I’m writing about my recent journey to Costco in search for much needed supplies. Because of COVID-19 the local Costco has set aside two hours on Tuesday mornings from 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. for seniors only. Since I’m not a senior, I dyed the sides of my hair gray and wore large framed glasses, turned my baseball cap around and pulled it down on my forehead. I did look like a senior
The Costco parking lot was full and there was a long line waiting for the store to open. I smiled as I noticed an empty handicapped parking space in front of the door. There was a woman from the opposite direction heading for my handicapped parking space, but I was able to speed up and cut her off as I eased into the space and parked. The intolerant bitch blew her horn and gave me the finger, but so what; I got the handicapped parking space.
I rustled through my glove compartment in search of the handicapped parking permit to hang from my rearview mirror. I once again congratulated myself for borrowing the handicapped parking permit from a parked vehicle with the windows open several summers ago. Since I parked in the handicapped parking space, I decided I had better limp—which I did. I tried to go to the front of the line, but the self-centered old-timers wouldn’t let me cut in. However, I limped my way a ways back and a very caring couple let me cut in front of them
Costco opened their doors and there was a mad rush to grab a cart and hit the aisles. Once inside, my limp was cured, and I headed toward the paper products located in the back of the store. I grabbed a cart from an old geezer who was looking at cereal or something—perhaps a gallon jar of dill pickles.
When I reached the paper products aisle, the gray-haired woman who I out-maneuvered for my handicapped parking space grabbed the last package of toilet paper and the last package of paper towels and then she sped off.
She was fast for an old woman. We both were heading to canned goods. She grabbed the last six-pack of chicken noodle soup and once again was off like a bullet. I grabbed the last six-pack of cream of tomato soup and once again proceeded to follow her.
She made a wrong turn for the rubbing alcohol aisle and I got the last three bottles. I noticed her glaring at me before she raced off. I knew where she was heading. Once again, she reached the hand sanitizer and disinfectant aisle before me. She grabbed the last three bottles of hand sanitizer and then three packages of hand wipes. There was a fourth one that she grabbed and tossed to another old-timer (Costco had a limit of three per customer). Once again, she sped off heading toward the checkout. She looked at me and my name tag as she passed me by and mumbled, “Pfannenschmidt, cream of tomato soup is my favorite.”
I tried to keep up with her, but she was too fast. I was desperately trying to think of some clever reply to her comment about the cream of tomato soup. I couldn’t come up with anything other than, “It’s my favorite,” which I knew was neither clever or true. She again got lucky and got a quick checkout line. I was right behind her in line. I decided I had better start limping again as I headed toward my car in the handicapped parking space.
I looked up and she was standing by my parked car with the driver’s door open. In my excitement of finding a parking space I forgot to lock my door.
She reached in and grabbed my handicapped parking permit from the rearview mirror. As she headed off with her shopping bounty and my handicapped parking permit, she removed her gray hair wig and unfurled her long brown hair.
Watching her scamper to her car, I had a revelation. I said to myself, “Pfannenschmidt, that is the perfect woman for you.”
Chapter Two
My name is Wiley Pfannenschmidt. Everyone calls me Pfannenschmidt.
I always think of myself as Pfannenschmidt and never as Wiley when I talk to myself, which I have been doing a lot lately because of the COVID-19 restrictions. I’m home mid-morning and I have nothing to do. I’m bored
I have a new neighbor next door on the west side. At least I think she is new. Her name is Aveena Angel. I can’t imagine someone going through life with a name like Aveena Angel. I haven’t met her yet. I know her name because I received some of her mail my mistake. OK, I really went over and looked in her mailbox. I don’t believe that is illegal
She confuses me when I watch her with my handmade periscope over our block wall fence. I see a very appealing, sexy woman in a bathing suit with long brown hair. Then, at other times, she has short gray hair and looks and dresses older. She drives a silver BMW M-5 that doesn’t fit with her older version. Her BMW has a handicapped parking permit hanging from the rearview mirror. I used to have a handicapped parking permit, but it was stolen when I went to senior morning at Costco a week or so ago.
She swims every morning at 8 a.m. and I have adjusted my stay-at-home schedule to watch her with my periscope. WOW! This morning she took her bathing suit off before she went into her house and I got a great shot of her naked butt.
Later this morning she left her house as the old woman and returned several hours later with two bags of groceries. Her change in appearance between young and old continues to confuse me.
The following morning, I was up early with my periscope to catch another glimpse of her. When I looked through the periscope, I saw this printed message:
- Wine at 5 p.m.
- Bring cheese and crackers
- I have hand sanitizer
After a minute or so, she pulled the sign down, turned around and walked back into her house. She was only wearing a short, short nighty and she walked slowly, very slowly.
It finally hit me. She was the woman I stole the handicapped parking space from at Costco and then she beat me to all of the toilet paper, paper towels, hand sanitizer, disinfectant wipes and chicken noodle soup. The handicapped parking permit hanging in her BMW was the one she stole from my car. I just realized I happened upon, once again, the perfect woman for me—it is my neighbor, Aveena Angel.
Chapter Three
Wine, cheese and crackers at 5 p.m. with my neighbor, Aveena Angel. I had to admit to myself that I was more than a little intrigued since she has all the traits of the perfect woman for me.
I decided to check if I had any cheese and crackers. I found three little packages of saltines that you pick up when you buy hot soup at Safeway. I didn’t buy any hot soup, but I did pick up a handful of those free cracker packets. My fate was sealed as I went off to my local Safeway for cheese and crackers. Under COVID-19 restrictions, I wore my face mask that made it hard to see as it rode up, plus my sunglasses steamed up when I exhaled and I found it hard to breathe.
I grabbed two small boxes of saltines since under the circumstances we shouldn’t be sharing crackers. Next on my list was cheese. I went straight to the aisle where the Cheez Whiz was displayed. At first, I reached for the large economy size jar of Cheez Whiz and then I once again stopped to think. Aveena and I should each have our own jar of Cheez Whiz, therefore I opted to select two smaller jars.
I decided to get paper plates since all of mine were sort of dirty. I picked up two plastic knives from the deli counter and slipped them into my pocket.
Waiting in the checkout line I decided to read the ingredients label on my two jars of Cheez Whiz. I thought that at one time it was actually cheese-based, but I didn’t see any cheese in the ingredients. Well, I didn’t see any, but maybe I missed it as the cashier grabbed for the jar to scan it. Plus, the ingredients listed on the label are always in teeny print. It is almost as If Kraft didn’t want you to know what was in Cheez Whiz. I didn’t buy wine or hand sanitizer since Aveena was providing both of them.
When I got home, I cleaned up a small serving tray and put the two jars of Cheez Whiz, the two packages of crackers and two plastic knives, along with two paper plates on it. I decided to discard several of my used—stained and dirty—paper plates now that I have clean, upscale ones with a little printed border on them.
I wondered what was going to happen at 5 p.m. when Aveena and I get together for wine, cheese and crackers for the first time. I also thought about what she would wear. Maybe her bikini. I hope she doesn’t dress like the old woman and wear the gray hair wig.
What should I wear, I asked myself? My good Harbor Freight baseball cap, of course, worn backwards, bright green, double-pocket T-shirt, khaki shorts and a clean pair of my Crocs, the bright green ones that match my T-shirt. I was pleased with myself as I was now ready for my wine, cheese and crackers date with my neighbor Aveena at 5 p.m., although it is not quite noon.
I wondered how she noticed me watching her with my homemade periscope? She must have good eyes. What if she has a periscope and was watching me? No, I don’t think so. Maybe she will return my stolen handicapped parking permit that she stole from me when I was parked at Costco. Well, I only have five hours until my big date during the COVID-19 shutdown.
Chapter Four
It was a very slow afternoon. My 5 p.m. wine, cheese and crackers date with my neighbor, Aveena Angel, was 4 hours and 36 minutes away. Because of COVID-19, I’m restricted to my house. I already went to Safeway this morning to get Cheez Whiz, saltine crackers, paper plates and plastic knives. I’m bored. I check the clothes I set out for my 5 p.m. date with my neighbor.
Every 10 or 15 minutes, I grab my homemade periscope and peer over our dividing block wall fence into Aveena Angel’s backyard to see if she is in her backyard, and more significantly, if she is swimming and wearing her bikini. No such luck, just an empty backyard. I should have known that as I watched her leave this morning in her silver BMW, however I didn’t see how she was dressed.
It was a little after 1 p.m. when I had an internal discussion or debate with myself about whether I should put the two jars of Cheez Whiz in the refrigerator or not. I was positive Cheez Whiz would never spoil. I can’t remember anyone ever telling me their Cheez Whiz spoiled. Maybe dried up if they forgot to put the lid back on. I decided I wouldn’t put it in the fridge.
I looked at my bright green Crocs. They had mud all over them and needed to be cleaned. I’m pretty sure I remember reading someplace that women frequently judge a man by the shoes he wears and if they are polished or not. Well, you can’t polish Crocs, but you certainly can clean them. I never wear socks with my Crocs. I wondered if I should, however, I don’t have any bright green socks anymore. My last pair wore out last summer.
Because of COVID-19, I’m going to wear my face mask. It’s white and won’t match my outfit. I’m positive Aveena Angel will be wearing her face mask. I ponder how we will drink our wine and eat our Cheez Whiz and crackers wearing our face masks. We will have to maintain six-foot spacing between us, which I bet will be difficult for Aveena Angel to do. I find most, I should add attractive, women desire to be close to me.
What time is it now? It’s 2:45 p.m. A little too early for my shower. I just decided I’m not going to wear any cologne after my shower. No, on second thought, I will wear my Mennen’s after-shave cologne.
It’s 4 p.m. I have showered, shaved, cologned and dressed. I stand looking into my full-length wall mirror making some final adjustments to my attire. Even though I’m wearing my new Harbor Freight baseball cap backwards, I tilt it just a bit to my right side. It gives me an adventurous look. I check my food tray again. Thank goodness I checked. I forgot paper napkins, which I do not have. But I do have paper towels. I decide two each should be plenty for Aveena Angel and me.
It’s 4:15 p.m., only 45 minutes before our wine, cheese and saltine crackers date. I notice her BMW is back in her driveway. I do one more check of her backyard and swimming pool with my homemade periscope to see if she is there wearing her bikini. No such luck. I was pretty sure she wouldn’t be wearing her bikini for our wine, cheese and saltine crackers date.
It’s 4:57 p.m. as I leave my house and start to walk next door. Oh wait, I forgot the Cheez Whiz and saltine crackers tray. I rush back home and pick up my tray with the Cheez Whiz and saltine crackers on it. As I ring Aveena Angel’s doorbell, I look over at her silver BMW parked in the driveway. I can’t help focusing on the handicapped parking permit hanging on its rearview mirror. It’s my old borrowed handicapped parking permit. I’m sure she keeps her BMW locked. I jump as I hear Aveena Angel’s front door opening and then see her standing in the open doorway.
Chapter Five
Aveena Angel is standing in her front doorway holding a gallon of red wine with her left hand and wearing a bright blue face mask. She is wearing a man’s buttoned, long-sleeved white shirt, khaki shorts and flip-flops. The bright blue nail polish on her fingers and toes match. Her eyes are dark brown and her brown hair is long, reaching the middle of her back. I reconfirm to myself again, she is the perfect woman for me.
“Well, if it isn’t my neighbor with the periscope, Wiley Pfannenschmidt. What all is on the tray, Wiley?”